


Those Left Behind

by Rivulet027



Category: Glee
Genre: Character Death, Multi, Suicide, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-20
Updated: 2011-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-17 03:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivulet027/pseuds/Rivulet027
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Mike Chang kills himself the ND kids gather in Rachel’s basement for their own memorial.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Glee. It's not my toy box. I'm merely playing. I also own nothing to do with Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  
> A/N: Written for [this](http://community.livejournal.com/glee_angst_meme/7446.html?thread=9621526#t9621526) prompt on the glee_angst_meme and the angst_bingo prompt: imprisonment. I think I made the reason Mike killed himself obvious throughout the fic. I’m working on a verse where Mike is transsexual, but this line, “How can I expect my parents to accept me as transsexual when they wouldn’t even let me be one in a school play?” has been haunting me for over a week. The song that Mercedes talks about is Wicked Little Town (Tommy Gnosis version) and you can find it [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxQWqGBNJVQ). Suicide is never the answer and as I wrote this I couldn't help but remember the friend I lost ten years ago. I still miss him.  
> Warning: Character Death (Mike).

Mike Chang died wearing the Frank-N-Furter costume his parents had forbidden him from wearing. He only left one sentence as explanation: I’ll never be free to be myself.

They settle in Rachel’s basement, sit in a circle, stare at one another. Tina slides a box into the center and lifts off the lid. She pulls the lid to her body, clutches it. Gently Kurt reaches over and takes it from her, setting it behind her.

“I-I don’t think I can go first,” she chokes, tears sliding down her face. She hiccups back a sob and lets Kurt and Artie wrap their arms around her.

Rachel peeks into the box, pulls out his football jersey and holds it close. She wets her lips, “He was the one that found me, after Vocal Adrenaline egged me. I don’t even remember much about it, it’s blurred, I was so…but I remember him. He led me to the bathroom, called Tina, had her call everyone else a-and he used his own shirt to start washing the egg off me before t-the rest of you got there with towels and clean clothes.”

She takes a breath, stares down at the jersey in her hands, looks like she wants to say something more, shakes herself and hands the jersey to Finn.

She remembers the gentleness of his hands, how he had used his voice to sooth her, guide her.

Finn’s hands closed around the jersey, “He was always so patient with me. He never teased me about my two left feet, just show me over and over again until he thought I had the moves right.”

He remembers how free and happy Mike had looked while dancing before he hands the shirt to Quinn.

Quinn frowns down at the jersey, “I-I don’t know if I can do this. I’m really angry at him right now. I-I didn’t expect it to hurt this badly. I barely knew him. I remember his laugh. He could be so quiet sometimes, but when he laughed you just wanted to laugh with him.”

She wipes at her face and hands the jersey to Lauren as she remembers the one time she’d allowed herself to laugh with him.

“I have days where I don’t like myself,” Lauren admits and accepts Puck’s hand when he takes hers, “I don’t always like the way I look and sometimes I…until Puck tricked me into joining glee I never felt as though I was one of the girls. I was having a bad day, not everyone takes my enjoyment of being a wrestler well and I was crying. I didn’t think anyone would see, but Mike found me. He sat with me, hugged me. He made me feel better.”

She remembers the boy who reassured her she was a beautiful girl before she hands the jersey over to Puck.

Puck stares down at the jersey in his hand, “I’m a fucking cuddly drunk and he’s the one jock that never made fun of me for it or pushed me away.”

“You’re a cute drunk,” Lauren reassures as she pulls him close. Puck hands the jersey to Santana as he lets Lauren pull him in, he rests his head on her shoulder and takes comfort from the arms she wraps around him. As he settles his arms around her he remembers the one time he held Mike close, one of the many times he’d been too drunk to think straight. He remembers the way Mike’s lips tasted. He remembers the way Mike had laughed and pushed him away, the feel of Mike’s hands as they’d cupped his face, the look of sorrow on Mike’s face as he said, “I’m sorry I’m not into guys. I tried to be. I thought it’d make me feel normal, make things make more sense in my head, but I’m just not attracted to guys.”

He’d asked to cuddle instead and Mike had let him hold him. They’d never talked about it and now he wishes he had ask Mike what he’d meant.

Santana chews on her lip as she holds the jersey. She wants to say this is bullshit. She wants to scream, but she can see the lost look on Brittany’s face, the tears streaming down Tina’s face, the tears in several of her teammates eyes. A part of her hates Mike for making them feel like this, for not telling them why, for not saying anything that would’ve hinted at what he was going to do to himself. How had they not seen?

“I remember the way he used to rag on his parents for being so traditional,” she finally manages. Had he killed himself over that? Was that a reason? She just wanted a why, was that so wrong?

“I don’t understand,” Brittany whimpers as Santana hands her the jersey, “I r-really just don’t understand.”

Artie reaches over and squeezes her hand. Santana wraps an arm around her and pulls her close as she explains, “We’re saying what we remember him for so we can say goodbye.”

“I loved dancing with him,” Brittany says wetting her lips, “I liked the way he looked in my Cheerio’s uniform.”

She hiccups a sob and buries her face into Santana’s neck, “I wish he hadn’t gone away.”

Artie takes the jersey from her and looks away when Brittany all but crawls into Santana’s lap for comfort.

“I started off not liking him this year, but he helped me see how mean I could be. I don’t even remember what I said anymore, or who I said it about, but I remember him. I remember him calling me misogynistic. He said he didn’t know if I’d gotten the viewpoint from the songs I listened to or something in my past, but he really laid into me. I’m glad he did. I-I’d like to think he saw that he opened my eyes, that he made me a better person.”

“H-he did,” Tina tells Artie as she takes the jersey from him, “I-I loved him. I loved him more than I realized I could love a person. I…he was so supportive and…t-this one time we got into a fight and it really was my fault. I was being selfish and I didn’t know how to apologize. I was walking over and there were flowers, Queen Anne’s Lace. I remembered him saying they were his favorite. I thought he’d laugh at me for picking him flowers as an apology, but he loved them. He said he never thought someone would think to bring him flowers. We put them in a vase together and found a place for them in his room and just like that we’d made up. It could be so easy with him, he made me feel so special.”

She hands Kurt the jersey before she reaches for the tissues Rachel had set in the middle of their circle.

Kurt stares down at the jersey in his hands, wants to reach out to Tina, to comfort her as she breaks down into tears again, but all he can think about is Mike. Mercedes starts to rub circles in his back and he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and manages, “He didn’t make fun of me like everyone else. I always thought he was just this nice quiet guy, but then he stood up for me with Artie and Sam. He…he even complimented me on my clothes sometimes. I think he might have been the only one who liked my kilt.”

“Not the only one,” Brittany puts in. She shares a teary smile with Kurt, before he hands the jersey to Mercedes.

“I’m not angry with him, I just don’t know what to say. I feel like I should’ve gotten to know him better,” Mercedes starts, “I…I remember finding him by himself in the auditorium once. You’d think I would’ve found him dancing, but he was singing. He might not have been our best singer and maybe we could’ve helped him have a little more confidence in that area, but this song, he just made it heartbreaking.”

“What song?” Tina manages.

“He said it was Wicked Little Town by Hedwig, but when I looked it up it wasn’t the song he was singing.”

“There are two versions,” Kurt tells her.

“Look it up with me later?” she asks.

Kurt nods and takes her hand, squeezing it tightly. Mercedes hands the jersey to Sam as she remembers the last two lines, they’ve haunted her since she’d found out Mike was dead.

 _Oh, it’s a wicked little town  
Goodbye, wicked little town_

Sam takes the jersey, “He supported me when I said I wanted to start a GSA. He helped me hang flyers and find an advisor. He was the first person who accepted me when I finally realized I’m bisexual. I’m just sorry he won’t be there for our first meeting.”

He hands the jersey to Matt, not saying that he’d wondered at the look of longing on Mike’s face as he hung flyers.

Matt stares quietly at the jersey, “He was my best friend, even though we were miles apart he was my best friend. I wish I knew what it was he thought he couldn’t tell us, what he thought was…”

Matt set the jersey in the middle of the circle wondering if one day losing his best friend would make sense.


End file.
